bananamerican06

I'm so tired of being so nice. I really am. It's frustrating when you go over things week after week after week, and still NO ONE listens. I'm not going to deal with it anymore. It's derby. You're here to bust your ass, not look cute. If there is one thing I hold so close to my heart is this sport, and I will not allow people to ruin the chance of it being seen as a real sport because they just want to flaunt the image. Good for you, good for your image, cool. Now shut up, strap those skates on, and be ready to bust your ass for 2 hours of practice. If you go home feeling fine, if you're not sore, not tired, not EXHAUSTED then you're not working hard enough. I've been doing this for almost three years now, and my god if I go home not sore and exhausted I'm pissed off because it means I wasn't working hard enough. This sport, any sport, is only as good as you make it. That goes for anything in life. If you don't bust your ass then you won't reap the benefits. In my opinion, you can't possibly claim you're a derby girl until your legs hurt, your tired, you're in pain and you've worked so hard you want to cry. It's not until you've HONESTLY skated your heart out and gave it your absolute everything...then you can call yourself a derby girl. Because I know when I came into this sport I would look at the girls who worked it every single practice like it was the last minute of the last jam in a game, and wanted to be just like them. To me those girls were the real derby girls. Not the ones who thought fishnets were cute, and were worried if shorts or a skirt looked better. There is so much more to this then the image. Its about heart, drive, determination and athleticism. It's about pushing yourself until you want to cry, and then pushing some more because you want to give it all you've got. It's about getting off the rink and not being able to walk because you're legs hurt so bad. And its about skating that track like you fucking OWN IT. Playing like it's the last jam of the game, clock ticking down with just one minute to go. Yeah, that's what it is to be a derby girl.

Yay! I finished the baby blanket today! It only took me a little under a week to complete the entire thing. Soo happy with the result too. The picture I took didn't come out too great. It doesn't really represent the color all too well.



It's pretty big, and came out EXACTLY how I had hoped it would. I didn't really have much of a plan with alternating the colors. I just switched when I felt like it, and I'm happy with it. Now I just have to hope my cousin likes it :)

Now I can officially start my hat without worrying about making something for someone else. I know that sounds pretty terrible, but I feel like I haven't made myself something. The only thing I've done is a neckwarmer. I've made 3 scarves, 3 hats, and a blanket. Oh and a head wrap thingy. Calorimetry.

I haven't made much progression with the hat. That's only because I've been working on the baby blanket. But here it is so far. It's the Shroom slouchy tuque from Ravelry.



Can't wait for this one!!

Once again I'm slacking in the update department. Oops. Oh well. Hm so things are quite strange for me. It's a weird time in my life I suppose. I'm not in school this semester because we can't afford it (good? bad? not quite sure). I'm still at my laser job and I'm still teaching so I'm working. Which is good. I guess. Still with the boy. Still doing derby. Not too much has changed I guess with the exception of me not being in school. Oh, and well my obsession with yarn activities. Okay okay yes I have always had a love for crocheting, and a newer found love in knitting, but it's all really taking off for me this time around. Maybe its because I forced myself to read and work off a pattern. And then I got hooked (pun intended). I stay up into the wee hours of the morning knitting or crocheting simply because I just can't put it down. Currently I am working on two projects (attempt at multi-projecting is working out for me). I have the baby blanket that will be for my cousin's soon to be born baby.



So that's that project. Coming along nicely considering I've only been at it for about 5 days now. It's crocheted, and the pattern is ridiculously basic. Don't mind the unevenness of it...I'm currently in the middle of a round so I have about half of the row done. But I like it a lot. I want one for myself honestly. One with bright pretty colors. Then as you can see a knit project in the linen color in the bottom right hand corner. It's my first attempt at knitting a hat. I am beyond excited. And not to mention in love with circular needles. It's been an obsession since last night. I've had to force myself to work on the afghan because I keep getting caught up in the hat. Oh well, both will finish eventually. Well they have to. Because I'm DYING to start my next project. I bought some B-E-A-UUUTIFUL Noro yarn. AND it was on sale! yay!



OH MY look at those colors. I get so happy just looking at it. Those wonderful skeins will be used for this cute shawl/wrap that I found. I cannot wait to start this project. And wear it. ;)

Today was pretty successful in the crafting department though as it snowed about 28 inches (apparently) so needless to say we were snowed in. I started getting a bit of cabin fever, but Oovoo works wonders for that :)

Alrighty well it's late. I should be going to sleep now. Then again "now" translates into at least another since I'll be up crocheting this starghan into completion...hopefully sometime tomorrow.

I'm so crazy stressed out, but its weird because he does calm me even though he doesn't think so. His touch is really all I want when I feel like I'm going to rip my hair out. Whether it be a hug, a kiss, or even simply just his arm around me; it helps. And I've been having more of those "I look at you and fall again" moments when I'm with him. It's at the most random times too. For example, we were sitting in the car last week at Sonic just talking about derby stuff. And for some odd reason it just hit me that, my God I'm so in love with him. It's like love was a cold fish slapping me in the face. Well, I suppose that isn't the greatest metaphor because that feeling was much more pleasant than a cold fish. It's more like the feeling that a good Chopin piece gives me. And then it hit again today. Talking about derby after a stressful practice, me complaining to him that I can't take it, I'm losing it, I'm not happy, wah wah wah, and then BAM. Love. Just like that. Just like a Chopin piece. And all of a sudden the things I was complaining about didn't seem as bad because here was this guy in front of me, and with him things are good. No, things are great. We're not perfect, but oh Lord does he make me feel that way at times.

I'm so glad I have these moments. Although he may not realize it he's my stronghold, my anchor, my friend and my love. I don't think I could have ever seen this wonderful of a relationship from such an unexpected source, but here it is. Thank you for being such a wonderful part of my life<3

I know why birthdays upset me so much. I finally get it.
This may sound extremely selfish, but hear me out...

I think birthdays are supposed to be special. It's that one day of the year that you can be selfish. Or at least that's how I feel about myself. I'm rarely ever selfish. I feel like I'm doing something for someone else all the time. Either for someone else or SOMETHING else. But it's not for me. And then there is my birthday. The one day of the year that I'd like to be selfish. The one day that is "my day", so to speak. It's my day to feel special, my day to be selfish. The one day for it to be for me, about me, just everything me. I think everyone is entitled to that. That in the very least. Except I don't think I've ever felt really "special" on my birthday. I'm not pointing fingers at anyone, really I'm not. And I know its not the responsibility of others to make me feel happy and special. But, I don't know, I feel like I work pretty damn hard to make the ones I love feel special on their day, and its like my birthday just gets swept under the rug. It's just like, "oh your birthday is coming up Christine."

I don't feel like its my day, I don't feel like anyone really even tries to make me slightly happy on my birthday. Maybe it's stupid but all of it seems like a chore. All I wanted for this birthday was to have a dinner at home with my family with the things I like to eat. That's it. And what has it turned into? A party that I'm cleaning up for, that is for someone else, and yeah, I don't see any of the foods that I want to eat.

I want to be selfish. Today (well really tomorrow) I want to be selfish. But I can't be. Because once again, its about someone else. Just another day in the life of Christine. A day where I'm working towards something for someone else.
 

I hate how I can seem so fucking bipolar. But the truth is that it seems when I'm having an AWESOME day something comes along and ruins it. Pretty much always.And I swear its Murphy's Law or some shit. One bad thing happens, and more and more keep happening. So then after all is said and done that one happy moment was just a speck millions of light years away. Fuck that shit. What the fuck.

I come home yesterday, and what is the FIRST thing that my dad says to me? "Hey Chris, try and get some laundry done today, okay?" Ummm...k, hi to you too dad. And with that he left. Yup, because you're not an asshole or anything. Thanks. The first and only thing you could possibly say to me is "do laundry"? Cool...I'll be sure to get right on that. So, naturally, the first thing I ask my brother is what did daddy do all day today? Oh, daddy went swimming...and then he ate, and then he spent the rest of the morning cleaning his car. WOW dad, HARD day. Would it kill you to fucking throw something into the washing machine? Or maybe straighten up the kitchen, and wash the mess of dishes you left in the sink, and throw out all the paper towels that you scattered around, and, oh I don't know, maybe NOT throw your shoes all over the place??? No, it's okay, spend your morning hours taking a dip in the pool, and cleaning YOUR car. I only took my final for my summer class that same morning. I wasn't being productive AT ALL. No, never, not me. Well, fuck you then, I'm going to just do MY laundry then. Yours isn't down there, so too fucking bad.

So what if I'm being spiteful. I think I'm allowed to be.

And you know, not to mention the fact that oh, yay once again there is no food in the house. Good job mom. Way to give ALL of our leftovers from the 4th of July party to your fucking friends who pretty much insulted and offended daddy. You only have two kids at home, who do like to eat when they get hungry. We've only been having to eat out pretty much every day for lunch and dinner for the past 2 weeks. Yeah, no it's cool, don't worry about it. I'm only fucking broke as shit. Yeah, no its cool, sometimes I only eat once a day just so YOUR 14 year old son can actually eat 3 times a day. Don't worry about it. Yeah, its cool, I have no money right now. I'm actually in DEBT right now, but don't worry about it. I'm only barely making it by to feed Eddie with the very little money I can try to pull together.

Thanks a lot parents. Thanks a whole fucking lot. Oh, and by the way, thanks for giving me shit for stupid things that you know you're wrong about. Yup. I've only been a slave to you guys for the past 5 days to get ready for the stupid 4th of July party that was for YOUR friends. Three of mine came. How many of yours came? Oh right, all 57 other people that showed up. Yup, YOUR friends and THEIR families. Uh huh. Yeah. I only work 2 jobs. And just finished a summer class. Thanks though. Thanks for all your fucking help. I'm not stressed at all. Nope, not at all. I just have no money. I haven't actually relaxed in about a year. Ya know, considering my summer class was pretty much back to back with the regular school year. And I've been working straight through all of it. Three jobs during the regular semester. Yeaahhhh, three jobs, school, roller derby. That's not a lot at all. Nope. Just throw on top of all that taking care of my brother to make sure he can EAT. I'm sorry dad, what? You only work in the afternoon? You do what in the morning? Oh, sleep? Eat? NICE. Wow I really wish I could do that. Wouldn't that be nice? To actually sleep in?? To be able to make enough money to work just ONE job instead of 3?? Or I don't know, maybe it's too much to ask to just be a "normal" 21 year old? To not have to play mommy? To not have to work 3 jobs for simply gas, roller derby, and food? Maybe you could, you know, be parents and do your fucking job. You keep telling me that you don't want me to work, but how the fuck am I supposed to get by by not working? Because I'm pretty sure I need gas in my tank, and I need food for me and Eddie. And do me a favor and don't tell me to give up roller derby. Because that's the ONE damn thing I do for myself. How about you try to NOT take away something that makes me happy, and how about you try to take away something that is stressing me the FUCK OUT. Give that one a shot.

I can't wait to get the fuck out of this house so I don't have to deal with this shit. I'm not a mom, I'm not a maid. I'm your fucking DAUGHTER.  How about you start treating me like one

SUMMER CLASS IS OVERRR.

finally.

I can breathe. Omgz the past 6 weeks have been so so so stressful! I'm still stressed about my money situation (basically lack of $) but I'm working on it. Trying to get a billion hours, and make money. I want to have spending money. Ugh I want tattoo money!!!

Happier things. New jam. Reset. --------------------

Meeep he makes me so happy. I think I want to run away to his house permanently just so I can wake up next to him. Seriously, it's about fucking time someone this good has come along. The past year has been one big trial and error over and over again.

Aaand I want to get away. I would really like to go back to Cali for like a week. Miss the family, miss California, miss ALL of it. Maybe at the end of the summer...? Eh we'll see I suppose.

Ergh I have to do laundry. And write some drills. Blechhh

Seriously, wtf is with people? Guys in particular. You know, shit talking my boyfriend doesn't make me happy. Especially when my boyfriend is the person that makes me happy. I DESPISE being told "you can do better." Um, I'm sorry, I've heard that a million times, and honestly what the hell is that supposed to mean? HOW can I do better? What, exactly, is wrong with my boyfriend? And what am I then? Some fucking shining golden asshole? No, I'm not. I'm human, I fuck up, I'm not perfect, and I'm sure people have told my exes they could do better than me.

Well fuck that statement.

"You can do better."

No one can pass judgement on my relationship unless they see everything. And to be quite honest, no one sees us at our best. They see us joking around, play fighting, and calling each other stupid names. Granted, yes we do that on our own time, but my god our relationship is so so so so much more. I FINALLY found someone since that ex that makes me this happy, for this long of a time, and most importantly someone that I really click well with. Completely. I'm not awkward, I'm not reserved. I'm just me with him. And that is what makes me so truly happy.

I don't think anything aggrevates me as much as people telling me what is good for me.
Not to mention "the guy thing". Oh you know, the thing guys do when they're somewhat interested in a girl...

"How's your boyfriend?", "Is everything okay with you guys?", "If there's anything wrong you can always come and talk to me."
And the one I hate most of all:

"You can do better."

For some reason I was in a pretty shitty mood today. But as usual happy ska music tends to be the cure-all.

It doesn't feel like summer. Its not 80 degrees out, and I'm not sweating my ass off. Its not super sunny, and I'm not as tan as usual. The flowers in our garden have barely bloomed. What is with this!? I want to go out in a bikini and tan and swim and garden. I want to WANT to be outside.

Weekly forecast:

Monday: sun followed by a let's-fuck-with-your-day
Tuesday: rain rain low 70s
Wednesday: sort of warm, but blocked by clouds
Thursday: RAIN RAIN RAIN
Friday: FUCK YOU NJ I'M RAINING ON YOU AGAIN
Saturday: "partly cloudy" aka not sunny
Sunday: "mostly cloudy" aka even less sun
Monday: GLOOM AND DEATH OVER YOU NJ RARGHH
Tuesday: BOOM CRASH RAIN
Wednesday: see above

So that's what NJ weather looks like for the next weekish. YAY.

Wow wow weee. Some things are just truly beautiful. Seriously, I'm falling head over heels, and I forgot how amazing it is. I forgot how nice it is to feel bubbly, and excited, and just so crazy because of someone else.





=) it's so nice.

SO...anyway...

I need money. And you'd think I'd have more considering I pretty much work 3 jobs, but alas I am broke. This week should be good though. I get a check from Fridays, LXI, and ideally my piano money too. It better come sooner than later otherwise my bank account will be in the red...

I can't wait for genetics to be over already. (P.S. I'm taking genetics over the summer...one step closer to graduation...) We're going onto week 3 now, so we're at the halfway point thank god. I don't mind it all that much it's just I hate to think that practically half of my summer is being spent in the classroom. I want to go to the beach, or just lay around. But I guess I can't complain all that much considering we've had shitty rainy weather for weeks. I've barely seen the sun for practically a month =/

Lastly, I need to come up with a dinner for my mom's birthday. She is impossible when it comes to being selfish.
"What do you want to do for your birthday?"
"Ooh...just nothing."
"Ookayy...Well, what would you want to eat?"
"Oh, whatever. We'll just eat at home. It's cheaper."
"Yeah...okay. So what would you want to eat at home?"
"I have to go buy fertilizer." ::walks away::

Those are the general conversations with my mother. Augh she's impossible.

This time last year I was miserable. Absolutely miserable. I hated waking up, I hated talking to people, I hated pretty much everything. I cried a lot too. Pretty much every day. I would turn the radio on and start crying. I would see something, hear something, do something, smell something, taste something and cry. Nothing filled the emptiness that I felt. I knew I wasn't alone, but that's what it felt like. No matter how many people I talked to, no matter how many people I surrounded myself with nothing helped. I craved only one person, and it was someone who didn't want me anymore. And that killed me. It ate away at me until I was practically nothing; just a shell of what I once was. I didn't know who I was anymore. I was lost, alone and miserable.

A lot has happened in that year. I've dated a lot. I've traveled a lot. I decided to not let anything hold me back, and if I wanted to experience something no one would hold me back. I don't want to say I've re-invented myself, but I think I did a lot of searching to find the me that I am today. And I can say that I am so so so happy with me. Other than the stress, and the worries that I have I'm happy. But more amazingly, I'm happy with someone else. I'm myself around him. I'm not inhibiting myself in the least bit, he sees my all, and still amazingly is with me. He makes me laugh like I haven't laughed in a long long time. And he fits. He fits just right. That's the most amazing part about of it all. The way everything seems to fit so nicely, and perfectly. We don't fight - except play fight. And well, just everything is good. Life is good. Take away the stress from school and work, and life is nice.

I can't wait for this Tuesday. I can't wait to take a deep breath in, and just breath out. To just simply relax, and be content. It's a nice thing to look forward to. =)

I've been rocked to my core. I've been stirred, shaken, mixed up.
I can't stop little smiles from escaping me.
I can't help but swoon when looking into those eyes.
Or hearing that voice.
Or feeling his touch.
=]

I've realized I've become this terrible cynic. This isn't something out of no where. It's more progressive than anything else. For the past, oh I don't know how many months, I've developed this attitude of "who gives a fuck?" It's interesting because I have always had this attitude to some degree, but it's gotten much much worse. There are very few things that I truly care about. Granted, those very few things are extremely important things, but the fact of the matter is I have this new I-don't-give-a-shit air about me. I really don't care about my social life, I really don't care about what anyone thinks, I don't care if I have a boyfriend, I don't care if someone is interested in me, I just don't care.
I guess it's easier to get into what I do really care about. I care about school, I care about my family/friends, and I care about what is best for me, and what I need to do for myself.
So I know this sounds extremely selfish, but honestly that's basically what is consuming my life. This terrible, horrible urge to really only care about what is immediate to me, what only affects me (with the exception of those close to me), and to just help me me me. I do what I want, I take what I please, and otherwise I just don't really seem to care. Things don't phase me anymore...I just have this whole "fuck it" sense of mind, and I'm really still debating whether or not this is something that I like. It's almost a feeling of detachment...but not quite. I mean, I am still here, 100%, but there is a part of me that keeps me unattached from certain things. I guess mainly the things that have the potential to either really truly hurt me or make me extremely happy. Maybe its fear that is making me this horrible cynic. Maybe I'm just afraid of becoming attached to something that could hurt me or make me happy.
This state of detachment is extremely comforting yet uncomforting. It keeps me anchored, yet rocks me to my core. It's the ying to my yang, the black to my white, the creator and the destroyer. It sucks and it's wonderful all at the same time because it keeps me sane, yet it keeps me at a distance. It keeps me from really feeling anything to extreme.
Maybe extreme is what I need right now. Something that shakes me, and stirs me, and mixes me up so I don't know what to think.

So, really, I hate drama. I hate hearing things, I hate gossip. More importantly, I hate hearing drama from my exes. I try so hard to stay away from drama, and then I hear something and its just ASLFNASLFIJAS;LFLAGJOI.

And then yes I get pissed, but more importantly I just get upset. Upset over the fact that my name still has to come up in conversation with people that I try my hardest to leave out of my mind. I try my hardest to NOT cause drama, and to NOT bring up my exes with people who are merely aquaintances, and look where it gets me.

So here is to my exes, you know who you are. I don't bring you up in general conversation with general people. I don't talk about you, and I don't discuss what happened. If someone asks about you I say I really don't know, I haven't heard from them...even if I heard from you the day before. How about we just make a pact to not talk about each other? I'm human you're human, and although we're broken up I still have SOME shred of care left in me to not make you out to be an asshole to other people. I can honestly say to other people that I don't hate you, so really, it hurts to have things get back to me like this.

I don't like almost breaking down in front of other people. Especially people who I don't feel comfortable crying in front of. And generally, I hear the crap from people who I don't feel comfortable crying in front of. So thanks for that. Thanks for talking bullshit to people who have nothing to do with me or you.

Well congratulations. You got to me. You still have to ability to hurt me. Glad talking about me makes you feel like a big man.

Dear Friends,

Someone, please road trip with me this summer. I want to go somewhere, I want to see this fine country. Seriously, hit the open road. I've got a damn reliable car and a pretty good GPS to boot just incase.

failure 3.5
failure 0.083
failure 0.167
failure 0.083
failure 0.167
failure 0.5
failure 0.167

Yes, you have let me down, disappointed me, or hurt me.
So thanks. Thanks a whole fucking lot.

I'm a machine a machine a machine.
that way nothing can hurt.